we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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