So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
