I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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