Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
