Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
