farters have to be the big spoon...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
