Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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