we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
