Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
