in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
