just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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