I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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