I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
