He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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