im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
