So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
