I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
