and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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