im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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