I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
