Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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