Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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