I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
