My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
