dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
