well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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