I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
