i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
