Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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