I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
