ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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