White coat. Heels.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
