I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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