I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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