I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
