she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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