WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
