when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
