3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he shaved USA in his pubs
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
