The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
