What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Randomize
