it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Tornado booty call.. dedication
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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