Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
