DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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