This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
