Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
be right there i have to get my cape
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
