my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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