Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
