He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You made out with two different species that night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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