Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
