the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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