the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he just fucked me for my cheese.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
