I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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