Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Can I color on your dick again?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
