I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
