I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
