since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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