My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
