If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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