JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
