The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
